I feel an update is needed after my last post. Just maybe.
I am 109 days into my AF journey and I FINALLY made it to 21-days AF, which was my original goal on October 1, 2019 when I started this whole thing. It took 105 days to get there, but I did it and it was hard. I feel so good without alcohol in my body. The hardest days for me were 10-12, which, in hindsight, I can see why I probably wrote my last post on day 11. It took me three tries before I could get past day 13. Maybe there really is power in sharing our struggles with people that care about us. Because of the calling I have in my soul to write to you, it meant sharing with you, allowing you to help me carry my burden. Which you did! In all of your beautiful words, all of your encouraging words, positive vibes and prayers. I felt it and still feel it all. Thank you.
It isn’t so hard anymore, I’m mostly just completely enjoying my freedom and life it seems is in technicolor, after the last four years of doing my best to feel nothing, I am feeling everything, all the feels, and I love it.
A Typical Day Lately
I wake up, sipping steaming black coffee, it’s late for me, but it’s also OK, I tell myself I’m right on time. This life I get to live is so much it feels too much, I am constantly reminding myself, it’s OK. It’s OK I have nothing written on my planner. It’s OK if there is a whole day in front of me and I have nothing that I HAVE to do. It’s OK to wake up at 7:20am. It’s OK to read a chapter from 3 different books before I get dressed. It’s OK to be.
It. Is. OK. TO BE.
I know people who do this really well. I’ve admired them, wished I could be more like them, but the fact is, I have never been one of them. I have always worn the more productive hat. The quintessential overachiever. Super woman. The ” I don’t know how you do it” girl. The balancer of eight million plates all spinning at once, all successful, all doing ‘it’ well…. This life of taking care of me, stopping, pausing and having time for being, time unplanned, is odd, but I like it, it is just what I need. It’s like a piece of chocolate cake and hot cup of coffee, just waiting for me to sit and enjoy. It’s that moment, all day right now.
I wake up sipping steaming black coffee in-love with life. I have this whole day ahead of me, stretching it’s lazy legs, reaching up to the sky, time. In all my life, I can’t remember feeling like this. I don’t have a list 2 miles long of things that MUST be done TODAY.
I am a sponge, absorbing all the good around me. My senses are alive, awake- I feel life again, and it’s so so good.
I still carry something sad, and perhaps I always will, but I CAN carry it now. I turned to wine because it lessoned the pain. At the time, when I first found the magic elixir, there was no room in my life for my broken heart. I had to swallow it. Get up and be there for my children, my husband, my church, my businesses, everyday required so much of me, and the effort it took to get out of bed- hell- the effort it took to breathe, I cry now just thinking about those days. My heartache permeated every part of me, mind, body, soul and spirit, and wine numbed it for at least awhile. I was thankful to have a sort of reprieve.
But here’s an interesting fact: I’ve birthed nine children, been married 26 years and owned several businesses, among a myriad of other things. All the daily stresses and I never, and I mean NEVER drank wine through any of it. I didn’t need wine to manage the stress and heartache of life, and I don’t need it now. What started out as a help, and it truly was in the beginning, and then became a habit, ended up gradually stealing me from my life, through addiction. Addiction is sneaky and creepy, quiet and pervasive and pursuasive and you don’t realize you are in it’s clutches until you are. No one says, my goal today is to get addicted to this. No one ever. It happens all the time though. More than you might realize. I am positive if you aren’t in the clutches of alcohol addiction, someone, many people probably, you know are. It’s just that common. We can live our whole lives addicted to alcohol, and be, for all intents and purposes leading successful lives, comparatively. Comparatively. That is the key. I’m not the fall down, laying in the alley with a paper bag Hollywood ideal drunk, so I must not have a problem. Oh really?
Only you know, as I did, if your relationship with alcohol has gotten a little out of your control. And if it has, IT’S OK AND IT IS FIXABLE. I wasn’t broken beyond repair and I am pretty sure you aren’t either. No one knew how I wanted to quit but couldn’t, no one knew I was drinking too much too often, except maybe my husband, but even he had no idea to the extent, he just remembered the past and compared it to the present, and he missed who I was. SIDENOTE: Who I was I will never be again, I am waking up inside and the me I am, is better than the me I ever was. She is older and wiser infused with her youthful ideals and she is amazing and I absolutely adore her, she’s a keeper.
I am on a journey, redefining my relationship with alcohol, and a whole host of other things it seems come with that single decision. I am changing in a myriad of ways and I love it. I’m alive.
Life in Cali is still AMAZING. We’ve been here for a year now, already! My next post will fill you in on #allthingscali, promise.
I just felt a need to update you since my last post, it was a little bit of a shocker to a few of you. Sorry, but not really.
If I have learned anything over the past year, it is how to be brave, how to step into the uncomfortable. How to say yes, when you’re terrified of what that yes means. How to fight to save yourself and the sinking ship, and then crazy of all crazies, how to burn the damn cumbersome overloaded ship, just watch it burn with all its cargo, and feel it sink, taking all that crap with it, to the bottom of the unfathomable ocean.
And then, actually begin the real work of saving myself with love, compassion and a surf board. And dancing, a lot of dancing. For real.
This is my one and only beautiful life on this earth, and I am thankful beyond words to get to live it, and I intend to live it fully from this day forth.
I’ll write more soon, promise.
All my love, always,
p.s. For women only: If you think you might need to rethink you’re relationship with alcohol, this is a great place to start. It’s where I started this journey and I can’t say enough goodness about these women that have become my tribe, always in my corner, always rooting for me, always understanding, all because we’re all in this together, for lot’s of reasons, but we all have the same goal, to reevaluate our relationship with alcohol. You are ALWAYS welcome here.