Here comes the sun… early morning rise with the sun moments… as the sky becomes… silhouettes faint gold true blue… promise.
I recently moved to the coast of southern California. I’ve lived most of my life on an island in Alaska. Island life became unbearable for me and this is where desperation deposited me. I’m not complaining. Cali is a gentle unwinding wind in my sails. The wind picks up and blows every afternoon. It’s almost as if God has sent the wind to clear the clutter in the attic of my mind. So much clutter. My heart like a silver chain necklace in knots. Delicately, God is untying me and slowly I am becoming free.
I often wonder, how did He know I needed this place so much? My backyard, a dried up riverbed held back by a dam upstream is now a gently flowing river. Sky-divers float to the ground in my backyard almost every day, free falling through the blue sky, I can hear them laughing.
The people here keep telling me the rain is going to stop, and not start again until next year, and I keep smiling as it keeps on raining, day after day the rain comes and the dry riverbed that was my backyard is now a flowing river, brown banks are now grassy green and I feel life happening all around me, and most importantly, life is happening in me. People are talking. Apparently, this is not normal. It’s been decades since we’ve had rain like this. All is grace. All I am is grateful.
I left my home four months ago and set out on a journey with hardly any perimeters, barely an idea of where I was going. I left without a home to go to and only a vague idea of what was ahead. I had a chance to leave my life and I jumped with hardly a thought to the consequences, I was desperate not to lose my mind, as I had already lost my heart at that point. I should have left years before.
The story to here is rough and rocky, messy and muddy, filled with many cloudy days of confusion and chaos, and sad, so very sad, it’s the age-old story of love and heartbreak and loss and mistakes and whose life am I not describing at this point? But… It’s absolutely gorgeous in some places too. Raw beauty, tender vulnerability, openness. Moments of honesty I am thankful to remember. The path to here is redefining me, but also remembering me. Life came in like a tornado and brought me to my knees, and in those face down moments, I looked in the broken mirror and wondered who was staring back.
Sharing my story with you is a scary privilege I’m not stepping into lightly. Some parts of my story are not mine alone, and therefore not mine to tell, in those grey areas, I believe we can all find ourselves. Let the mystery define your space in my story. I believe we have more in common than not. My intention for sharing with you is to inspire you to be true to yourself.
This is a story about loss and finding something you weren’t looking for.
One of the hardest statements Jesus left us is this:
If any of you wants to be My follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow Me. If you hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for My sake, you will save it.
My faith is woven throughout this story. You can call it a faith crisis or finding real faith. Whatever happened to me through the last few years, I am not the same person I was, and I don’t worship God the same as I did.
Another hard saying in the Bible is:
In everything give thanks.
I’m not there yet. But I’m working on it. I started a gratitude journal this morning, again…
If you think of it, say a prayer for me, please. I have been given this beautiful gift, to place words in a coherent string that somehow inspires people, but… I love life and living and adventure and well… the beach… and I want to write, so badly I want to do this, it makes me happy, fills a void, gives me a sense of peace, but…. it’s easier to go to the beach for therapy. Just sayin. The writing thing won’t go away, so I’m doing it, but… it’s hard. Sometimes, most times now that I live in paradise, I can just go to the sand, jump in the waves, and I am better, and I don’t have to write it out. The ocean takes it all and I’m free for just a while. But, I have this voice that keeps saying write. And I suppose it’s for you as well as me. Articulate what we all feel and remind ourselves, we aren’t alone in this. (I’m heading to the beach as soon as I finish this btw, sharing my story is making me need the beach even more.. if I could use an emoji here it would be eyes rolling… and if you text with me, then you know I speak in emojis… laughing with tears)
I’m so thankful to be here. For HERE I give thanks every day.